Dividing the load around baby sleep
And how to go about parental preference
Taking care of a (newborn) baby is similar to taking on a new (more than fulltime) job. One of the keys to a successful parenting journey is ensuring that the workload is equally divided between both partners. However that looks for your family!
Parental preference can become an issue for some families. When one parent does all the settling and resettling baby to sleep, your baby can start to get a strong preference for that parent at bedtimes. It can weigh heavy on the preferred parent when they’re the only one that can get their little one to sleep or back asleep during the night. At the same time, the non-preferred parent can feel left out.
In this blog, we will explore three crucial phases of creating an equal balance around baby sleep. What you can do before baby arrives, steps to take during the newborn period and strategies for when the balance is already off.
1. Preparation for baby's arrival.
Educate yourselves. Would you start a new job without any training? Probably not, you wouldn’t know what to do, when to do it and most importantly HOW to do your work successfully. Attend a class on (breast)feeding together (feeding is a BIG part of baby sleep!), book a newborn sleep consult or prepare by reading books on baby sleep and learn newborn cues so that once baby comes, you're both prepared and armed with so much knowledge. Two sleep deprived brains know more than one!
Make a sleep plan. Maybe one parent does all night wakes and the other parent tackles the days/siblings? Maybe you’ll divide night into shifts? Or one parent does all the feeds while the other handles the diaper change/burping? This will look different for every family, but creating a clear picture beforehand is so helpful.
Think about parental leave. The skill of taking care of a baby isn't something that anyone's born with. Parents learn by doing! That's why it's very impactful when both parents can take time off and care of their baby. If parental leave is not available for both parents and you can’t be there on weekdays, prioritise the care for your baby on weekends/evenings/nights.
“The skill of taking care of a baby isn’t something that anyone’s born with. Parents learn by doing! ”
2. What to do in those first couple months.
Divide bedtimes. Find a way to have both parents do (some of) the bedtimes from day 1. If a working parent isn't able to do so during the day, maybe they can resettle the baby back to sleep during the night. By doing so you're preventing your little one from only wanting to sleep with one parent doing the settling.
Share nighttime responsibilities. Consider taking turns to feed, change diapers, and comfort the baby. This ensures that neither partner is overly burdened with sleep deprivation.
Prioritise communication. Share your feelings and concerns about the division of responsibilities, particularly concerning baby sleep. Adjust the plan if needed, ensuring that both partners feel supported and involved.
3. Strategies to restore balance in case it’s already off:
Reevaluate Responsibilities. If the balance of care becomes uneven, it's essential to reevaluate responsibilities. Discuss openly about the challenges each partner is facing and make adjustments to ensure a fair distribution of tasks, including baby sleep duties.
Get the non-preferred partner involved in 3 steps:
Get clear on what sleep associations are currently used to settle baby to sleep. Is it patting, singing, swinging, bouncing, holding hands, breastfeeding? If breastfeeding is the main sleep association, layer in a couple of other sleep associations that your partner can use too. This will be the new settling ‘toolbox’.
Get involved in the other steps in the bedtime routine like bath time, diaper change, putting on pyjamas, reading books etc. The preferred parent will still do the last step of settling baby to sleep, but with the other parent there as well.
After doing bedtime like this for a while, give the non preferred parent a chance to do the last step as well. If breastfeeding was the main sleep association, move the breastfeeding to earlier in the bedtime routine. The non preferred parent can use the other settling tools from your settling toolbox.
Give it time! Things might’ve been like this for a long time and changing things up can take some practice at first. As the preferred parent it’s important to give your partner the space to find their way of doing things while comforting baby to sleep.
Achieving a balanced division of baby care is an ongoing process that requires open communication, flexibility, and mutual support. By preparing before the baby's arrival, actively participating during the newborn period, and addressing imbalances promptly, couples can create a nurturing environment where both partners thrive as parents. Remember, shared responsibility not only benefits the well-being of the baby but also strengthens the partnership between parents.
